Finding the Joy #3

To go to camp or stay home, that is the question. I have been battling this for a week now. Of course I want to go, it’s almost like a free vacation hanging with a bunch a teenagers. Getting to bond with them and establish relationships! BUT, once again I’m a nursing mother so I must take my 5 month old baby boy. Since he will be with me there is a great chance I will miss the services, and I won’t be able to participate in the rec time because I will be dealing with baby. I will be in the background trying my hardest not to be a distraction. Not to mention trying to nurse him in front of a bunch of teenage girls. He is a squirmy baby. I’m having an extremely hard time coping with the fact that I’m simply going to be in the background the whole week and a hindrance to the camp. I’m to the point where I’m dreading going. I have no idea how the housing will be, so I don’t know what to plan for which is causing an anxiety attack. This blog may not have a happy spiritual ending because I’m still searching for the peace to overcome this anxiety.  Lord give me the peace to overcome this! I want so badly to be used by you, and I love my children and still want more. But why do I feel as though my children are hindering the ministry you have put us in. I often wonder if my husband married the wrong women. I’m beginning to doubt that I am the stay-at-home homeschool mom he thought he was marrying. There has been a lot of talk lately about Joy and happiness.  The “happiness” of being different (I thrive on being different) aka: stay-at-home homeschool mom; is gone. And the Joy just isn’t there. How do you find Joy in a position that you don’t enjoy. I guess you really can’t have the Joy if you don’t first Trust. Proverbs 3:5-6 “ Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” I must Trust the Lord that he has my life planned out, then I have to trust His plan. My plan has me being left out and alone, of course I’m not going to enjoy this, who would. His plan may have me as a prayer warrior for our students as they participate in the day’s activities. By trusting Him is whatever plan he has for me, I can truly have the Joy that only he can give to accomplish His plan for my life. With that simple truth I can enjoy whatever plan he has for my life, even if its sitting on the sideline.

Finding the Joy #2

The in-laws are visiting, and I must say I racked up some pretty cool in laws. Or maybe because there are so many when I get sick of listening to one I can move on to the next one. ;).  Everyone is in town to celebrate the only daughter’s birthday. This is another story in itself but every birthday for her is a miracle the doctors didn’t think she would live to see her second birthday, today she turned 22! Praise the Lord.  So back to my issue, and yes right now its all about me. I listen to kids wine all day cause their lives are so focused around them in this moment I’m being selfish, its all about me. While every one is here enjoying time together, I have to go back to a room all alone and feed baby boy.  My personality, the last place I want to be is by myself. So this in itself is a struggle. Yes they make nursing covers but the baby doesn’t come with a remote so I can’t put him on mute when he’s eating but it would be nice.  I come out to the older two boys making a mess with the newly folded towels and the just neatly organized bookshelf. I proceed to but baby down and proceed cleaning up from where the older 2 destroyed the house while being “left out” but while cleaning everything up I’m being “left out”. I’m seeing a pattern form into my “left out” theory. By the time I finally sat down from cleaning up that mess it was time for baby boy to eat again. I picked up baby and started walking to the pit of despair aka “left out” and my little 2 year old looked at me and said. “Mom, you are the best mom, thank you for feeding baby and me.” I gave him a pat on the head and continued toward my pit. Once I got settle into feeding baby and sulking the Lord brought back to my mind the sweet little comment my 2 year old uttered as I was walking back. And as I was sitting there the Lord spoke to me. “That is why you do what you do, that is why you are what you are.”

Finding the Joy #1

I'm on a little quest to find the Joy while being "left out".

A little back story, I was raised in a Christian home. Basically lived at the church.  My dad was a minister of the church for 19 years before he and my mom got a divorce. That rocked my world. My mom left. So there I was a 13 year old little girl with her daddy. Don’t get me wrong here; my dad did the best he could do adapting to being a mom and a dad. We did have hotdog sandwiches almost every night. I can still smell the aroma of the microwave cooked hotdog and halfway burnt cheese with a hint of bacon. I love my dad, but there was one thing he couldn’t give me. A mother’s love.  A mother’s love is almost as powerful as “true love” in the Disney movies. It can just about cure anything and everything. I honestly never knew what exactly I missed growing up until my first baby boy was born. The love that overcame me for this little baby was extraordinary. But that isn’t when I realized the depth of a mothers love, it was when my oldest Chaz, broke his leg. He was 2 1/2 and his little brother was 1. I know your probably scratching your head and ready to move on to someone else’s story but just hold on. Babies need their mom, yes, and most babies their mom is where they get their food. That’s a given. And I’m not making light of that. But when my loving caring 2 ½ hear old broke his leg, for some reason sitting on his mother’s lap made the tears go away. A gentle rub down one cheek made the sun shine again. WOW to have that kind of power. And yet a mother has it. So why can’t I find the Joy? Well fast forward a year, and add another baby. We now have three kids under the age of 4. That in itself would explain the loss of Joy lol! I constantly find myself missing out of the fun times of life. Going shopping with the girls cause I got a baby attached to my boob. Missing the preachers sermon cause I got a 2 year old trying to figure out how to take the pew apart.  Or having a “pretty” house ‘cause my 3 year old decided he would fix his juice all by himself only he missed the cup and now red fruit punch is all over my carpet . Thus my quest to find the Joy while being “left out.”