Finding the Joy #3

To go to camp or stay home, that is the question. I have been battling this for a week now. Of course I want to go, it’s almost like a free vacation hanging with a bunch a teenagers. Getting to bond with them and establish relationships! BUT, once again I’m a nursing mother so I must take my 5 month old baby boy. Since he will be with me there is a great chance I will miss the services, and I won’t be able to participate in the rec time because I will be dealing with baby. I will be in the background trying my hardest not to be a distraction. Not to mention trying to nurse him in front of a bunch of teenage girls. He is a squirmy baby. I’m having an extremely hard time coping with the fact that I’m simply going to be in the background the whole week and a hindrance to the camp. I’m to the point where I’m dreading going. I have no idea how the housing will be, so I don’t know what to plan for which is causing an anxiety attack. This blog may not have a happy spiritual ending because I’m still searching for the peace to overcome this anxiety.  Lord give me the peace to overcome this! I want so badly to be used by you, and I love my children and still want more. But why do I feel as though my children are hindering the ministry you have put us in. I often wonder if my husband married the wrong women. I’m beginning to doubt that I am the stay-at-home homeschool mom he thought he was marrying. There has been a lot of talk lately about Joy and happiness.  The “happiness” of being different (I thrive on being different) aka: stay-at-home homeschool mom; is gone. And the Joy just isn’t there. How do you find Joy in a position that you don’t enjoy. I guess you really can’t have the Joy if you don’t first Trust. Proverbs 3:5-6 “ Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” I must Trust the Lord that he has my life planned out, then I have to trust His plan. My plan has me being left out and alone, of course I’m not going to enjoy this, who would. His plan may have me as a prayer warrior for our students as they participate in the day’s activities. By trusting Him is whatever plan he has for me, I can truly have the Joy that only he can give to accomplish His plan for my life. With that simple truth I can enjoy whatever plan he has for my life, even if its sitting on the sideline.